CONVERSION
Two people came to my door yesterday, and before I could tell them I was a mass murderer, they handed me a Bible. My dogs usually alert me to unwanted visitors, but for some reason, they remained asleep, snoring on the couch.
I tried to hand the Bible back, but there was no hand to receive it. I didn't want to put in on the ground because, if my memory serves me, I think that's a sacrilege.
Talking in unison, they asked me if I needed any blessings and I said no, not today, I've got blessings coming out my ears. I had never seen two people synchronize their words before, except maybe on The McLaughlin Group Sundays on PBS. Before they could give me their spiel, I told them, look, I haven't gone to church since 1960, and my spiritual interests are nil.
They said good, then we've come to the right house. I said, look, I'm a non-believer -- I think you might even call me an atheist. I said this in the spookiest way I could, flailing my fingers and bulging my eyes like a crazy person.
They said, no problem, it was easier to convert an atheist than say, a Catholic, or a Muslim. Is that true, I asked? composing myself again. Yes, it was true. I couldn't believe I was being drawn into this conversation. How about a Jew? I asked. Yes, Jews are the hardest, they assured me.
Well, I said, you have no chance of converting me, because I am a skeptical person and besides, I have left the bathroom, mid-operation, to answer the door. They lowered their eyes, and to both our surprise, some toilet paper was sticking out my fly.
Satisfied I was telling the truth, they said, look, we'll be brief. I cut them off, saying I was obviously terribly busy at the moment and apologized for my rudeness. One would have thought that my shifting from foot to foot would have told them something, but they were determined to reach me. I noticed an elbow was keeping the door ajar.
The fact that you're a suspected atheist doesn't bother us; we can work around this, they informed me. Goddamnit, I said, excuse my French but I didn't want to work around it. I was quite comfortable with my world-view. Are you? they asked with a slight echo that told me their timing was getting a little off.
Yes, I will be just fine, really, I assured them. Trust me.
With a knowing look that said, brother, you're on the fast track to Hell, they told me my time on this Earth was getting short. Do I look that bad? I asked them, pulling out the toilet paper and stuffing it into my pocket. Then I remembered who was president, and conceded the point.
I said, look, I don't have any money, I'm a struggling writer and haven't seen any gainful work in years.
That's different, they said ripping the Bible out of my hands-- you really shouldn't waste people's time. Then, foregoing the walkway, they cut across the pachysandra, jumped into a rusting 1989 baby blue Volvo, and were off.
Two people came to my door yesterday, and before I could tell them I was a mass murderer, they handed me a Bible. My dogs usually alert me to unwanted visitors, but for some reason, they remained asleep, snoring on the couch.
I tried to hand the Bible back, but there was no hand to receive it. I didn't want to put in on the ground because, if my memory serves me, I think that's a sacrilege.
Talking in unison, they asked me if I needed any blessings and I said no, not today, I've got blessings coming out my ears. I had never seen two people synchronize their words before, except maybe on The McLaughlin Group Sundays on PBS. Before they could give me their spiel, I told them, look, I haven't gone to church since 1960, and my spiritual interests are nil.
They said good, then we've come to the right house. I said, look, I'm a non-believer -- I think you might even call me an atheist. I said this in the spookiest way I could, flailing my fingers and bulging my eyes like a crazy person.
They said, no problem, it was easier to convert an atheist than say, a Catholic, or a Muslim. Is that true, I asked? composing myself again. Yes, it was true. I couldn't believe I was being drawn into this conversation. How about a Jew? I asked. Yes, Jews are the hardest, they assured me.
Well, I said, you have no chance of converting me, because I am a skeptical person and besides, I have left the bathroom, mid-operation, to answer the door. They lowered their eyes, and to both our surprise, some toilet paper was sticking out my fly.
Satisfied I was telling the truth, they said, look, we'll be brief. I cut them off, saying I was obviously terribly busy at the moment and apologized for my rudeness. One would have thought that my shifting from foot to foot would have told them something, but they were determined to reach me. I noticed an elbow was keeping the door ajar.
The fact that you're a suspected atheist doesn't bother us; we can work around this, they informed me. Goddamnit, I said, excuse my French but I didn't want to work around it. I was quite comfortable with my world-view. Are you? they asked with a slight echo that told me their timing was getting a little off.
Yes, I will be just fine, really, I assured them. Trust me.
With a knowing look that said, brother, you're on the fast track to Hell, they told me my time on this Earth was getting short. Do I look that bad? I asked them, pulling out the toilet paper and stuffing it into my pocket. Then I remembered who was president, and conceded the point.
I said, look, I don't have any money, I'm a struggling writer and haven't seen any gainful work in years.
That's different, they said ripping the Bible out of my hands-- you really shouldn't waste people's time. Then, foregoing the walkway, they cut across the pachysandra, jumped into a rusting 1989 baby blue Volvo, and were off.
posted by R. Reynolds at 6:55 AM
1 Comments:
Why is it that people cannot just do there thing in the privacy of their own home and revel in it. No. There is a need to get everyone else in the world on their knees (or whatever the preferred positions are these days [excluding "missionary"]).
Its not only Christians, Muslims (according to informed sources "by the sword") Jews for Jesus, Jews for Jews and even Native Americans (though quieter) are all clamoring after my validation of their belief.
The only group I have not been accosted by are atheists. No one has ever come up to me and asked that I join them in basically doing nothing. Hmm. --USCE
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