PNL PRESENTS...
It is better to give than to receive -- that is, if you're one of the good people. I don't like either much but I'll admit, we don't always have an easy time showing our love to those dearest to our hearts.
The flip side of the commercialism taking over the holidays, is that we can express our appreciation for those special people in our lives through our gift giving. Our children, our parents, our friends, and our mail carriers are all vital to our happiness and should be remembered at this time of year.
But what do we get them? It's always such a hassle. There are only so may fruitcakes, slippers, tea strainers, and cappuccino makers a person can take. Garages are already spilling over with last year's presents. And making presents for those on our present list is way too time-consuming. Just because we love them, doesn't mean they're worth our time.
My wife is very close with our dear neighbor, a nurse named Jeanie. She had already gotten her a yoga CD for Christmas, but wanted to give her something really special. She told me she was thinking of getting Jeanie a hot water bottle as well.
A hot water bottle? Christ, is that the sexiest present you could think of, honey? I asked.
"Well, I don't ordinarily buy neighbors sexy presents," she explained. Besides, she said, Jeanie had always liked our daughter's hot water bottle, so she thought she'd get her one too.
Sweat Pea, I said. Think about it. You're going to give our dear neighbor, Jeanie, a hot water bottle for Christmas? Why don't you just give her a rectal thermometer with a nice red bow and be done with it?
I know it's the thought that counts, Snookums, but what the hell are you thinking? I said in my nicest, most soothing voice.
Look, some things just don't make good Christmas presents, I calmly told my wife. Sure we all need toilet paper, I reasoned, but you would never give it as a present, would you? While she was pondering this, I, myself, starting thinking it not such a bad an idea -- after all, they do come individually gift-wrapped.
When I snapped to, I suggested that things reminding one of doody, warts, phlegm -- or in this case, nausea -- rarely make good presents. For example, Kleenex? Terrible present. Preparation H? Denture adhesive? Crescent-shaped bedpans? All terrible presents.
Other presents never to give include: Syringes. Enemas. Urine collection bottles. And Diamonique rings from Home Shopping Network. Give these things, and next year's present list will shrink to zero.
Not buying my argument, my wife said hot water bottles were not just for upset stomachs. Neighbor Jeanie could warm her feet against it on a cold winter's night, and besides, hot water bottles are nice to sleep with after a night of yoga exercises.
God knows I like something warm in my bed, but not something that smells like warm rubber. There are people who sleep with plastic, life-sized blow-up dolls but like yoga, I think that's a stretch. I can only speak for myself, but I'm pretty sure these people like to buy their own.
Once, as a boy, a warm pleasurable feeling came over me in my sleep. I dreamt I was scoring with Eva Gabor. When I awoke, not only was I without Eva Gabor, it turned out my hot water bottle had opened in my sleep and I had third-degree burns on my green acher.
To this day, hot water bottles, ginger ale and "dry" toast remind me of the stomach flu. I begged my wife to reconsider her present choice.
The mail and newspaper delivery people are always kind enough to leave me a Christmas card with a postage-paid, self-addressed envelope. In past years I have mailed them back with a cookie enclosed -- requiring $0.65 postage due. This way I'd get the pleasure of giving, plus I'd get the cookie back.
This year, I'm thinking of giving my daughter's hot water bottle to the mailman. Not knowing it's ours, my wife will be thrilled getting the bottle without having to pay the postage due. Most importantly, my good neighbor will have warm feet, and I will, once again, feel the pleasure of knowing that "the gift is in the giving."
It is better to give than to receive -- that is, if you're one of the good people. I don't like either much but I'll admit, we don't always have an easy time showing our love to those dearest to our hearts.
The flip side of the commercialism taking over the holidays, is that we can express our appreciation for those special people in our lives through our gift giving. Our children, our parents, our friends, and our mail carriers are all vital to our happiness and should be remembered at this time of year.
But what do we get them? It's always such a hassle. There are only so may fruitcakes, slippers, tea strainers, and cappuccino makers a person can take. Garages are already spilling over with last year's presents. And making presents for those on our present list is way too time-consuming. Just because we love them, doesn't mean they're worth our time.
My wife is very close with our dear neighbor, a nurse named Jeanie. She had already gotten her a yoga CD for Christmas, but wanted to give her something really special. She told me she was thinking of getting Jeanie a hot water bottle as well.
A hot water bottle? Christ, is that the sexiest present you could think of, honey? I asked.
"Well, I don't ordinarily buy neighbors sexy presents," she explained. Besides, she said, Jeanie had always liked our daughter's hot water bottle, so she thought she'd get her one too.
Sweat Pea, I said. Think about it. You're going to give our dear neighbor, Jeanie, a hot water bottle for Christmas? Why don't you just give her a rectal thermometer with a nice red bow and be done with it?
I know it's the thought that counts, Snookums, but what the hell are you thinking? I said in my nicest, most soothing voice.
Look, some things just don't make good Christmas presents, I calmly told my wife. Sure we all need toilet paper, I reasoned, but you would never give it as a present, would you? While she was pondering this, I, myself, starting thinking it not such a bad an idea -- after all, they do come individually gift-wrapped.
When I snapped to, I suggested that things reminding one of doody, warts, phlegm -- or in this case, nausea -- rarely make good presents. For example, Kleenex? Terrible present. Preparation H? Denture adhesive? Crescent-shaped bedpans? All terrible presents.
Other presents never to give include: Syringes. Enemas. Urine collection bottles. And Diamonique rings from Home Shopping Network. Give these things, and next year's present list will shrink to zero.
Not buying my argument, my wife said hot water bottles were not just for upset stomachs. Neighbor Jeanie could warm her feet against it on a cold winter's night, and besides, hot water bottles are nice to sleep with after a night of yoga exercises.
God knows I like something warm in my bed, but not something that smells like warm rubber. There are people who sleep with plastic, life-sized blow-up dolls but like yoga, I think that's a stretch. I can only speak for myself, but I'm pretty sure these people like to buy their own.
Once, as a boy, a warm pleasurable feeling came over me in my sleep. I dreamt I was scoring with Eva Gabor. When I awoke, not only was I without Eva Gabor, it turned out my hot water bottle had opened in my sleep and I had third-degree burns on my green acher.
To this day, hot water bottles, ginger ale and "dry" toast remind me of the stomach flu. I begged my wife to reconsider her present choice.
The mail and newspaper delivery people are always kind enough to leave me a Christmas card with a postage-paid, self-addressed envelope. In past years I have mailed them back with a cookie enclosed -- requiring $0.65 postage due. This way I'd get the pleasure of giving, plus I'd get the cookie back.
This year, I'm thinking of giving my daughter's hot water bottle to the mailman. Not knowing it's ours, my wife will be thrilled getting the bottle without having to pay the postage due. Most importantly, my good neighbor will have warm feet, and I will, once again, feel the pleasure of knowing that "the gift is in the giving."
posted by R. Reynolds at 8:39 AM
10 Comments:
you're on a roll reynolds. last year my husband gave me a hot water bottle for my birthday and I rewarded him with an evening he'll never forget.
I knew a guy who gave his wife a hot-water bottle from Home Shopping Network. She skipped divorce and found solace in homicide.
There is an up-side to giving toilet paper, denture adhesive, and syringes. That special someone on your list will never return them.
hey!
quit making fun of the hot water bottle! whole foods sells all sorts of cool ones! i gave my kids hot water bottles shaped like fish, alligators and hearts a few years back, they love them!
you're sooooo out of touch with reality, ricky!
Another thing to ponder is that when giving the gift of a rubber bladder, you never need to worry that it will fall prey to the re-gifting (can a noun really become a verb just be adding "ing"?) fad that seems to be rampant! --USCE
to USCE:
yes, regifting a slightly-used rectal thermometer should be frowned upon.
I'm ordering hot water bottles for all of you.
You had me laughing out loud! BTW, the bottle (fleece covered) is on order!
here's an idea. the hot water bottle bong.
h
Maybe the funiest story I've ever read?
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