X-MAS: NAUGHTY OR NICE?
Every year as a child -- precisely twelve days before Christmas -- I'd start thinking seriously about getting nice. My Christmas list was so long, and my sister so well-behaved, that competing with her in the "niceness" department for Santa's limited Christmas funds was no small task.
Two weeks of goodness would have been too long for me, and one week seemed opportunistic. Twelve days, as in "The Twelve Days of Christmas," felt right.
There were friends of mine who didn't care about being nice. Danny would go around the neighborhood lifting the front ends of plastic reindeer over the rear ends of their herd mates, leaving yard displays looking like porn palaces.
Jimmy would go house-to-house unscrewing one light bulb from homes outlined with lights, leaving the sorry owner to figure out which malfunctioning bulb --out of millions -- made his house go dark.
Aside from putting a few lawn sheep up in trees, I never went to the naughty side at Christmas time. Twelve days of goodness was not too much to bear for toys needed to get me through the next twelve months.
So I was surprised to hear that "Pornaments" are such a hot-selling item this holiday season. Don't these people know they're being watched?
Pornaments, for you prudes out there, are just that. There's "Mr. North Pole," pointing north, just as you would expect. There's "Tormented Teddy," terribly tied in X-mas lights. There's "Horny the Snowman" with a nasty-looking carrot. And poor Santa, strapped spread-eagle to a Christmas wreath. Not nice stuff.
Anyway, "Pornaments" is the fastest growing X-mas category after Victoria's Secret. No longer nativity scenes and candy canes, the high holy holidays are taking on a freaky frolicking friskiness not seen in Christmases past. God knows I'm a non-Believer, but these people need to get to church.
Even as a practical matter, it seemed foolish to me to blow it all in the 12-day X-Mas countdown. All those Brussels spouts you swallowed whole, all those dirty magazines you didn't steal, all those "please and thank you's," would all be for naught. How hard is it not to be naughty for twelve lousy days?
Jesus, what is with these people?
Naughtiness is definitely a part of all morality plays, and the Christmas story is no exception. Niceness owes itself to its unselfish counterpart, naughtiness. Were it not for naughty children sacrificing their presents, there'd be no presents for the nice children. So badness has it points.
I don't know if it was Abu Ghraib that changed things, but I am drawn to the Santa Torture Wheel. There's something about seeing Santa in his skivvies putting the "X" back in X-mas that cracks me up. It's the one thing Donald Rumsfeld and I have in common. Does this make me a bad person? I don't want to do anything that would jeopardize my wish list.
Every year as a child -- precisely twelve days before Christmas -- I'd start thinking seriously about getting nice. My Christmas list was so long, and my sister so well-behaved, that competing with her in the "niceness" department for Santa's limited Christmas funds was no small task.
Two weeks of goodness would have been too long for me, and one week seemed opportunistic. Twelve days, as in "The Twelve Days of Christmas," felt right.
There were friends of mine who didn't care about being nice. Danny would go around the neighborhood lifting the front ends of plastic reindeer over the rear ends of their herd mates, leaving yard displays looking like porn palaces.
Jimmy would go house-to-house unscrewing one light bulb from homes outlined with lights, leaving the sorry owner to figure out which malfunctioning bulb --out of millions -- made his house go dark.
Aside from putting a few lawn sheep up in trees, I never went to the naughty side at Christmas time. Twelve days of goodness was not too much to bear for toys needed to get me through the next twelve months.
So I was surprised to hear that "Pornaments" are such a hot-selling item this holiday season. Don't these people know they're being watched?
Pornaments, for you prudes out there, are just that. There's "Mr. North Pole," pointing north, just as you would expect. There's "Tormented Teddy," terribly tied in X-mas lights. There's "Horny the Snowman" with a nasty-looking carrot. And poor Santa, strapped spread-eagle to a Christmas wreath. Not nice stuff.
Anyway, "Pornaments" is the fastest growing X-mas category after Victoria's Secret. No longer nativity scenes and candy canes, the high holy holidays are taking on a freaky frolicking friskiness not seen in Christmases past. God knows I'm a non-Believer, but these people need to get to church.
Even as a practical matter, it seemed foolish to me to blow it all in the 12-day X-Mas countdown. All those Brussels spouts you swallowed whole, all those dirty magazines you didn't steal, all those "please and thank you's," would all be for naught. How hard is it not to be naughty for twelve lousy days?
Jesus, what is with these people?
Naughtiness is definitely a part of all morality plays, and the Christmas story is no exception. Niceness owes itself to its unselfish counterpart, naughtiness. Were it not for naughty children sacrificing their presents, there'd be no presents for the nice children. So badness has it points.
I don't know if it was Abu Ghraib that changed things, but I am drawn to the Santa Torture Wheel. There's something about seeing Santa in his skivvies putting the "X" back in X-mas that cracks me up. It's the one thing Donald Rumsfeld and I have in common. Does this make me a bad person? I don't want to do anything that would jeopardize my wish list.
posted by R. Reynolds at 9:06 AM
6 Comments:
OK. Coffee up the nose.
ho, ho, ho, bitch-ho.
h
Good shepherds watch their flocks by night. They don't put them in trees. LOL.
Well, you know Santa comes only once a year and that's down a chimney! --USCE
I always wanted to know what that thing was on Rudolph's nose. And how he used it. Lord, forgive me.
How you extract such goodness from your sick mind is beyond me.
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