IS YOUR DOG GAY?
The stupid radio station my daughter listens to ran a contest called "How to tell your dog is gay."
Some of the phoned-in entries were:
1. If his wardrobe includes pastel kerchiefs.
2. If, instead of barking, he bitches at the mailman.
3. If he thinks "Milk-Bone" is a command.
4. If he sits for a liver snap, but lies down for a Cosmo.
5. If he licks his olives while sniffing his martini glass.
Not terribly funny, but there they are. As a rule, I don't do gay jokes -- not because they stereotype individuals -- but because there are apparently no straight men left. To listen to women, all men are gay. I read today that 51% of women live without a spouse, so I guess this assessment shouldn't be surprising. But what about the other 49%?
Women have told me that all those men you see on TV: football players, World Federation wrestlers, clergymen, construction guys, Rush Limbaugh, Tom Delay, David Letterman, Anderson Cooper, and of course, George Bush, are all gay. Actors are all gay. Businessmen are all gay. Lawyers and doctors? Gay. Crime investigators. Gay. Farmers? Just ask the sheep.
In fact, when pressed, women say virtually all males in the animal kingdom are gay.
How could I have missed this? I never even knew my roommate in college was gay. So I took a crash course in Gay Spotting offered by the Junior League, and I think I'm getting the knack of it now. They suggested I start small, so I started with my pets.
For instance, I have a parrot who not only perches, he gums perches. I don't know if he's gay, but his lime-green plumage, his long black nails, and his Freudian red beak would look smart leading any Gay Pride Parade.
My daughter had a goldfish named Bulgie. For years I thought the bulges were his eyes. How could I have known he swam upside down? A watched fish never fornicates, so it's hard to know for sure. I tried to investigate this, but grew bored after several months. I did notice Bulgy getting frisky with the macho deep sea diver who would rise to the top of the tank, pass wind, and return to his pink gravel yard.
In retrospect, I'm thinking Bulgie wore tight jeans in another life.
My daughter rents a horse named Blondie. Foolish me thought he was named after the dessert. His manhood could be mistaken for a fifth leg. The muscular stallion looks great in stirrups and wears more leather than a saddle. Upon reflection, if he's not gay, he ought to be.
Both my poodles, Sammy and Petey, hump in public, though I tell my wife that this means nothing. Just because they hump each other doesn't make them lovers. They hug trees too, and that doesn't make them environmentalists.
On Halloween, Sammy will tolerate his diamonique tiara longer than Petey, but any notion that bejeweled dogs in crowns are gay is, of course, homophobic. But maybe I have to rethink this.
Finally, there was our rabbit, Melville. He was named Melville because of his novel Moby Dick. As a bunny, Melville would be expected to have an elevated libido, however his promiscuousness was out of the box. Looking back, the creative things he did to his chicken wire still make me blush years after we cut him loose and sold him back to the pet store.
If I am the only straight male out there, so be it. Stereotypical of the straight males of yore, I'm just waiting for the next shoe to drop.
The stupid radio station my daughter listens to ran a contest called "How to tell your dog is gay."
Some of the phoned-in entries were:
1. If his wardrobe includes pastel kerchiefs.
2. If, instead of barking, he bitches at the mailman.
3. If he thinks "Milk-Bone" is a command.
4. If he sits for a liver snap, but lies down for a Cosmo.
5. If he licks his olives while sniffing his martini glass.
Not terribly funny, but there they are. As a rule, I don't do gay jokes -- not because they stereotype individuals -- but because there are apparently no straight men left. To listen to women, all men are gay. I read today that 51% of women live without a spouse, so I guess this assessment shouldn't be surprising. But what about the other 49%?
Women have told me that all those men you see on TV: football players, World Federation wrestlers, clergymen, construction guys, Rush Limbaugh, Tom Delay, David Letterman, Anderson Cooper, and of course, George Bush, are all gay. Actors are all gay. Businessmen are all gay. Lawyers and doctors? Gay. Crime investigators. Gay. Farmers? Just ask the sheep.
In fact, when pressed, women say virtually all males in the animal kingdom are gay.
How could I have missed this? I never even knew my roommate in college was gay. So I took a crash course in Gay Spotting offered by the Junior League, and I think I'm getting the knack of it now. They suggested I start small, so I started with my pets.
For instance, I have a parrot who not only perches, he gums perches. I don't know if he's gay, but his lime-green plumage, his long black nails, and his Freudian red beak would look smart leading any Gay Pride Parade.
My daughter had a goldfish named Bulgie. For years I thought the bulges were his eyes. How could I have known he swam upside down? A watched fish never fornicates, so it's hard to know for sure. I tried to investigate this, but grew bored after several months. I did notice Bulgy getting frisky with the macho deep sea diver who would rise to the top of the tank, pass wind, and return to his pink gravel yard.
In retrospect, I'm thinking Bulgie wore tight jeans in another life.
My daughter rents a horse named Blondie. Foolish me thought he was named after the dessert. His manhood could be mistaken for a fifth leg. The muscular stallion looks great in stirrups and wears more leather than a saddle. Upon reflection, if he's not gay, he ought to be.
Both my poodles, Sammy and Petey, hump in public, though I tell my wife that this means nothing. Just because they hump each other doesn't make them lovers. They hug trees too, and that doesn't make them environmentalists.
On Halloween, Sammy will tolerate his diamonique tiara longer than Petey, but any notion that bejeweled dogs in crowns are gay is, of course, homophobic. But maybe I have to rethink this.
Finally, there was our rabbit, Melville. He was named Melville because of his novel Moby Dick. As a bunny, Melville would be expected to have an elevated libido, however his promiscuousness was out of the box. Looking back, the creative things he did to his chicken wire still make me blush years after we cut him loose and sold him back to the pet store.
If I am the only straight male out there, so be it. Stereotypical of the straight males of yore, I'm just waiting for the next shoe to drop.
posted by R. Reynolds at 7:52 AM
14 Comments:
You owe me for a $4 Starbucks Latte. I spit it up on, "I thought the bulges were his eyes."
jc
My dog does Cosmos. Being a downtown doberman, he's definitely Metro, but he seems to like the bitches. Do you think his studded collar is confusing him?
JC:
Only if he wears the collar stud side in.
I saw a Jack Russel Terrorist yesterday on TV. He looked like he could have pulled the arms off the Venus de Milo. Are some breeds more likely to be gay?
"A watched fish never fornicates."
See, that's why I pay all that money for my PNN subscription. Where else can you pick up nuggets like that? As your daughter would say: "omg!"
i didn't know parrots had gums. you learn something every day.
Anon, yes they do have gums, but they're rarer then hens' teeth.
I don't think sharing an intimate moment with a sheep makes one gay (unless it’s a ram). Do ewe? --USCE
Perhaps USCE misunderstood. I think Rick meant that you ask the sheep whether farmers are gay because, like women, ewes think all rams are gay, no? Don't ewe think so?
My cat is an environmentalist. She got hold of my recycled newspaper and scratched George Bush's eyes out.
Thanks for today's story. It confirmed my belief that cats alone are above sexual classification. They rub against everything.
rick,
if the next shoe you are waiting for to drop is prada, you're gay!
h
usce - are you assuming that all farmers are men? That type of profiling could get you knocked off the PNL mailing list.
To Bill O'Reilly: strickly speaking, gay farmers are all men. Lesbian farmers are quite different ewe conservative bushman.
The operartive term being bushman.
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