VERY MOVING VIOLATIONS
AOL ran a stupid article on how to beat traffic tickets. There was all the usual stuff, like obsequiousness, groveling, and pleading ignorance. Every cop is aware of these ploys and will have you spread-eagled and batoned before you can say the word "Vaseline."
I thought I'd make my own lists of "do's" and "don'ts" of what to do when stopped for traffic violations.
DO's to say as you roll down your window.
1. Good morning/afternoon/evening officer. Have you lost weight recently?
2. Hey, nice haircut. Who do you use?
3. Would you like to see my breasts? (best if you're female).
4. I think I just dropped a hundred dollar bill. Could you help me find it?
5. My wife saw you last night at the Laptop Lounge. Want your tip money back?
6. What a shiny gun. Mind if I remove my teeth and gum the barrel? (male cops only)
7. $200 Dunkin Gift Card interest you?
8. May I say you're the best looking arresting officer I've had the honor to meet.
9. My son fighting in Falluja looked just like you-- until we got the "knock at the door."
10. Yes officer. I am fast. Want your gun back?
DON'TS to say as you roll down your window
1. Care for a toke?
2. I was blinded by your flashing lights.
3. Go easy on the donuts, badge-boy.
4. I like your car. It reminds me of a toy I had as a kid.
5. Yes officer. My radar detector ID'd you as a wimp.
6. $20 Dunkin Gift Card interest you?
7. Is your mind made up, or can we work on it?
8. Speed is relative, Officer Einstein.
9. I'd offer you a drink, but I'm down to my last three fingers.
10. My car won't go 100. It wouldn't even pass inspection.
Personally, I've had an abysmal record trying to beat tickets. I once got a ticket on the Southern State for going 551/2 mph in a 55. I approached the officer's "pace" car (which was going exactly 55 with a string of cars trailing behind him) going 1/2 mph faster than he was. Silly me thought it impossible to get ticketed for breaking the speed limit by a half mile an hour. It had taken me 20-minutes to patiently inch past the patrolman. Next thing I knew, I was pulled over and handed a $90 ticket. I said, "You're giving me a ticket for 1/2 mph?" He said no. He was giving me a ticket for being a smart ass. I thanked him for removing my handcuffs, and assured him he'd never see me in his county again.
Another time, while driving through South Carolina, a fat Redneck officer stopped me for driving 31 in a 25. After pleading ignorance to any posted speed, the cop pointed to a rusted, bullet-ridden sign 50 yards off the side of the road covered in Spanish moss. I informed him that the good Yankee cops up North would never ticket for so small a trifle, hoping he would remember who won the war. Officer Beauford then upped the ticket to 40 in a 25 and splayed me over the back of my rental car. Northerners should never phrase their arguments in Civil War terms while whistling through Dixie.
The bottom line is, treat Smokies like their human. Bribe unto them, as you would like to be bribed yourself.
AOL ran a stupid article on how to beat traffic tickets. There was all the usual stuff, like obsequiousness, groveling, and pleading ignorance. Every cop is aware of these ploys and will have you spread-eagled and batoned before you can say the word "Vaseline."
I thought I'd make my own lists of "do's" and "don'ts" of what to do when stopped for traffic violations.
DO's to say as you roll down your window.
1. Good morning/afternoon/evening officer. Have you lost weight recently?
2. Hey, nice haircut. Who do you use?
3. Would you like to see my breasts? (best if you're female).
4. I think I just dropped a hundred dollar bill. Could you help me find it?
5. My wife saw you last night at the Laptop Lounge. Want your tip money back?
6. What a shiny gun. Mind if I remove my teeth and gum the barrel? (male cops only)
7. $200 Dunkin Gift Card interest you?
8. May I say you're the best looking arresting officer I've had the honor to meet.
9. My son fighting in Falluja looked just like you-- until we got the "knock at the door."
10. Yes officer. I am fast. Want your gun back?
DON'TS to say as you roll down your window
1. Care for a toke?
2. I was blinded by your flashing lights.
3. Go easy on the donuts, badge-boy.
4. I like your car. It reminds me of a toy I had as a kid.
5. Yes officer. My radar detector ID'd you as a wimp.
6. $20 Dunkin Gift Card interest you?
7. Is your mind made up, or can we work on it?
8. Speed is relative, Officer Einstein.
9. I'd offer you a drink, but I'm down to my last three fingers.
10. My car won't go 100. It wouldn't even pass inspection.
Personally, I've had an abysmal record trying to beat tickets. I once got a ticket on the Southern State for going 551/2 mph in a 55. I approached the officer's "pace" car (which was going exactly 55 with a string of cars trailing behind him) going 1/2 mph faster than he was. Silly me thought it impossible to get ticketed for breaking the speed limit by a half mile an hour. It had taken me 20-minutes to patiently inch past the patrolman. Next thing I knew, I was pulled over and handed a $90 ticket. I said, "You're giving me a ticket for 1/2 mph?" He said no. He was giving me a ticket for being a smart ass. I thanked him for removing my handcuffs, and assured him he'd never see me in his county again.
Another time, while driving through South Carolina, a fat Redneck officer stopped me for driving 31 in a 25. After pleading ignorance to any posted speed, the cop pointed to a rusted, bullet-ridden sign 50 yards off the side of the road covered in Spanish moss. I informed him that the good Yankee cops up North would never ticket for so small a trifle, hoping he would remember who won the war. Officer Beauford then upped the ticket to 40 in a 25 and splayed me over the back of my rental car. Northerners should never phrase their arguments in Civil War terms while whistling through Dixie.
The bottom line is, treat Smokies like their human. Bribe unto them, as you would like to be bribed yourself.
posted by R. Reynolds at 7:28 AM
17 Comments:
LOL. You're killing me.
I once offered an officer a case of Grant's whisky at a stop in Mississippi. My fine was doubled, and he seized the case. Thanks for the tips. Had I only known these techniques earlier, I could have saved myself so much heartache.
I have to agree with AOL...find groveling works best...by and large you're dealing with pathetic male egos, men who need to feel powerful, omnipotent, as if they're granting you a great present by sending you on your way. If you're wearing a low cut shirt and showing cleavage, all the better, though that can backfire too, if you're dealing with a misogynist. One roll of the eye, or any semblance of a bribe, sorry Rick, and you risk worse. If you're black or even having a bad hair day, your life could be on the line. These guys sitting in speed traps are bored silly and aching to take things to the next level...
Are you sure #7 in the "Don't"s won't work? It seems perfectly logical to me.
I was stopped a few years ago, handed my license and within a fraction of a second he said "61". Thinking he had deduced my age in an incredibly short period of time, I complemented him, "Wow, that was fast! Did you take a course in doing that?" He then gave me a ticket for going 61 in a 55. This is a true story.
Another gem, r.
Several tips for riders.
1- Never bike through an incorporated village. Kossacks in these enclaves will pull over anyone they don't recognize. It's the revenue, stupid!
2- Never say anything to NYC Highway Patrol. I was riding on the Nassau Expressway in Queens (The Highway to Nowhere) on my 1976 CB360T when I was stopped By Highway 3 out of the 106th Precinct. For what? Improper display of registration. I commented that it did my heart well to know that New York's Finest were out protecting the citizenry from dangerous criminals whose reg stickers had partially peeled off, when they could be having fun back at the station house torturing marijuana suspects with stun guns.
He wrote me five more tickets.
Curiously, none of them were for speeding. I was doing 85 in a 55 when he chased me down.
Any other bikers here?
I'm a biker Joe. I was ticketed going 100 mph in a 45. I ended up selling the bike (an Aprilla RS V1000R)to the cop who arrested me for 20 grand- 3 grand more than I paid for it.
TR
Dear two anonymouses ago:
You missed the point with bribes. According to the book, "Morality 101," small bribes, and you're in a world of trouble - large bribes, and you have police escort to your destination - enormous bribes, and you're the next Conservative president of the United States.
Way to go.
I put a biker-related story on my blog page this morning. As an Aprilia rider, you should appreciate it.
I think that if you click my name, it will take you there.
What are you riding now?
Joe: I bought an older bike: a turbocharged (yes!) 1993 Kawasaki ZX-11. I think it is trying to kill me.
TR
There are only two kinds of riders in this world:
Those who have crashed.
Those who are going to crash.
You might add one more category:
Those who are going to crash... again.
I'm in group three.
I'm afraid I'm in group four. Is it possible for a bike to have too much hp? I don't want the answer to be yes.
TR
You can never have too much of a good thing.
Then why does Viagra consider a 4-hour erection a "serious" side effect?
TR
Because they never spoke to me.
My cousin's wife decided to treat herself to implants after her third child. Worth every penny. During Christmas Eve Dinner (The Feast of the Seven Fishes) one female family member nudged her husband in the ribs and whispered: "You find THAT attractive?"
Duh!!!???
When you guys get through having your little chat, maybe we can talk about the male ego problem, which today's column so rightly broached. Whether portly pornagraphic patrolmen, pugnacioius paedomorphic presidents, or barbarous bickering bikers, you boys have a problem you're not facing. Next to an Earth-crossing asteroid, you're the Earth's number one hazzard.
Don't get me going on asteroids. Aren't all hemorrhoids asteroids?
TR
Male ego? Barbarous bickering bikers?
Tsk... tsk...
These PNLers certainly do get their panties twisted anytime someone has any fun.
Hey... think it'll be warm enough for golf this weekend?
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