BOOKING ASTRONAUTS
No sooner had I started watching the Ali G interview with Buzz Aldrin (who was first to land on the Moon with Neil Armstrong), than I got a call from Captain Alan Bean, the 4th person to walk on the Moon. Alan wanted to talk, but I didn't want to miss the Ali G. interview, so I lied and told him I was on the toilet and would call him back. More about astronaut Bean later.
In the interview (in which the astronaut is unaware his interviewer is a fake), Ali G calls Buzz Aldrin "Buzz Lightyear," and asks him if he was bothered by the fact that Louis Armstrong stepped onto the moon before him.
After being corrected, Ali G then asks the pioneering moonwalker if he saw any people on the Moon, and while Buzz is trying to explain how there is no life of any kind there, let alone people, Ali G is firing off his next question: "You think people will ever land on the Sun?"
Again, while Buzz is explaining that the Sun is too hot to ever land on, Ali G inquires, "What if they land in winter?" Buzz assured him the Sun was hot in winter too. Apparently even the Sun is experiencing global warming.
Anyway, I had booked astronaut Alan Bean to speak at one of my client's dinners and he had called me back with the background info I'd need to introduce him in Washington DC. Somewhere between his first Piper Cub solo and joining NASA , I couldn't resist asking Moonwalker Bean what it was like strolling on another orb.
"You bounce," he said. Hmm, you bounce, I thought. Okay then. There you have it. Glad I asked!
"You bounced!" I repeated. "Anything special about it?," I asked, with special emphasis on "special."
"It was fun bouncing around," he clarified. Now I'm thinking this is going to be the shortest 40-minute speech in history. I pressed on:
"Yes, but there you are, Captain Bean," I said, "on another world, looking back at all of human history, and for all intents and purposes, you are all alone, except for two others in a similar predicament to your own --and one of those is up in a little tin can orbiting above you; all three of you frail, lonely visitors, whose whole experience is back on that distant blue marble floating off in a vacuum of eternal darkness." I gulped for air, and pleaded, " What--must--have--that--been--like?"
There was a significant pause, and Astronaut Bean said, "It was like bouncing."
I wish there was more to say, but that was it. I guess that's why NASA sent him and not me. I would have peed in my spacesuit. So imagine my surprise when I read the Associated Press February 6 headline:
ASTRONAUT CHARGED WITH KIDNAP AND ATTEMPTED MURDER
Nowak raced from Houston to Orlando wearing diapers in the car so she wouldn't have to stop to go to the bathroom, authorities said. Astronauts wear diapers during launch and re-entry.
Holy smokes, that sounds like something I would do. You mean, I could do NASA?
Turns out the 43-year old robotics specialist, Lisa Marie Nowak, who flew on the July space shuttle Discovery mission, was charged with attempting to kidnap a romantic rival, one Ms. Shipman, in a love triangle with another astronaut. Nowak, a married mother of three, stood in a jail uniform, wearing a tracking device, as her charges were read: attempted kidnapping, attempted vehicle burglary with battery, destruction of evidence and battery. The attempted murder charge was added later as more evidence came to light.
According to police, Nowak had driven 900 miles in diapers in order to meet her love rival's plane without having to stop to pee. Disguised in a blonde wig and trench coat, Nowak met Ms. Shipman's plane, then boarded the same airport shuttle bus Ms. Shipman took and followed her to her car.
Ms. Shipman had stolen the affections of Navy Cmdr. William Oefelein, the pilot of the space shuttle Discovery last December. Though Ms. Nowak and Mr. Oefelien had shared earthly pleasures, the relationship had never gotten off the ground.
Now, armed with a BB gun and pepper spray, Ms. Nowak rapped on the car window, but Ms. Shipman refused to roll it down more than a few inches. Nowak then peppered Shipman through the opening.
The responding officer found a steel mallet, a 4-inch folding knife, rubber tubing, $600 and garbage bags inside Ms. Nowak's bag. NASA said that Nowak's status with the astronaut corps remained unchanged.
"It is unlikely Ms. Shipman will ever be in space to distract astronaut Nowak," a NASA spokesperson later confirmed.
No sooner had I started watching the Ali G interview with Buzz Aldrin (who was first to land on the Moon with Neil Armstrong), than I got a call from Captain Alan Bean, the 4th person to walk on the Moon. Alan wanted to talk, but I didn't want to miss the Ali G. interview, so I lied and told him I was on the toilet and would call him back. More about astronaut Bean later.
In the interview (in which the astronaut is unaware his interviewer is a fake), Ali G calls Buzz Aldrin "Buzz Lightyear," and asks him if he was bothered by the fact that Louis Armstrong stepped onto the moon before him.
After being corrected, Ali G then asks the pioneering moonwalker if he saw any people on the Moon, and while Buzz is trying to explain how there is no life of any kind there, let alone people, Ali G is firing off his next question: "You think people will ever land on the Sun?"
Again, while Buzz is explaining that the Sun is too hot to ever land on, Ali G inquires, "What if they land in winter?" Buzz assured him the Sun was hot in winter too. Apparently even the Sun is experiencing global warming.
Anyway, I had booked astronaut Alan Bean to speak at one of my client's dinners and he had called me back with the background info I'd need to introduce him in Washington DC. Somewhere between his first Piper Cub solo and joining NASA , I couldn't resist asking Moonwalker Bean what it was like strolling on another orb.
"You bounce," he said. Hmm, you bounce, I thought. Okay then. There you have it. Glad I asked!
"You bounced!" I repeated. "Anything special about it?," I asked, with special emphasis on "special."
"It was fun bouncing around," he clarified. Now I'm thinking this is going to be the shortest 40-minute speech in history. I pressed on:
"Yes, but there you are, Captain Bean," I said, "on another world, looking back at all of human history, and for all intents and purposes, you are all alone, except for two others in a similar predicament to your own --and one of those is up in a little tin can orbiting above you; all three of you frail, lonely visitors, whose whole experience is back on that distant blue marble floating off in a vacuum of eternal darkness." I gulped for air, and pleaded, " What--must--have--that--been--like?"
There was a significant pause, and Astronaut Bean said, "It was like bouncing."
I wish there was more to say, but that was it. I guess that's why NASA sent him and not me. I would have peed in my spacesuit. So imagine my surprise when I read the Associated Press February 6 headline:
ASTRONAUT CHARGED WITH KIDNAP AND ATTEMPTED MURDER
Nowak raced from Houston to Orlando wearing diapers in the car so she wouldn't have to stop to go to the bathroom, authorities said. Astronauts wear diapers during launch and re-entry.
Holy smokes, that sounds like something I would do. You mean, I could do NASA?
Turns out the 43-year old robotics specialist, Lisa Marie Nowak, who flew on the July space shuttle Discovery mission, was charged with attempting to kidnap a romantic rival, one Ms. Shipman, in a love triangle with another astronaut. Nowak, a married mother of three, stood in a jail uniform, wearing a tracking device, as her charges were read: attempted kidnapping, attempted vehicle burglary with battery, destruction of evidence and battery. The attempted murder charge was added later as more evidence came to light.
According to police, Nowak had driven 900 miles in diapers in order to meet her love rival's plane without having to stop to pee. Disguised in a blonde wig and trench coat, Nowak met Ms. Shipman's plane, then boarded the same airport shuttle bus Ms. Shipman took and followed her to her car.
Ms. Shipman had stolen the affections of Navy Cmdr. William Oefelein, the pilot of the space shuttle Discovery last December. Though Ms. Nowak and Mr. Oefelien had shared earthly pleasures, the relationship had never gotten off the ground.
Now, armed with a BB gun and pepper spray, Ms. Nowak rapped on the car window, but Ms. Shipman refused to roll it down more than a few inches. Nowak then peppered Shipman through the opening.
The responding officer found a steel mallet, a 4-inch folding knife, rubber tubing, $600 and garbage bags inside Ms. Nowak's bag. NASA said that Nowak's status with the astronaut corps remained unchanged.
"It is unlikely Ms. Shipman will ever be in space to distract astronaut Nowak," a NASA spokesperson later confirmed.
posted by R. Reynolds at 7:02 AM
11 Comments:
You can't make this stuff up. I was wondering, do astronauts frolic on the space station? With everything floating around, I could imagine someone going, yeech! What was that that hit my eye?
Rick, I wish they had sent you to the moon. You would have emoted to the world, of not in your suit.
LOFL. You bounced my belly button.
Does driving 900 miles in diapers suggest premeditation?
it suggests prewetitation
Ali G, Borat, and Oprah do give a good interview. I'm so glad we no longer have to deal with Barbara Walter's "If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?"
Peeps landing on the Sun. Classic.
Thanks for clearing up the sex-in-space issue. I ran to my computer yesterday to find out if any of the triastronauts had been in space together. My evidence was inconclusive. I still wonder if someone tried to get into someone else’s diapers up there.
USCE: I think 3 astronauts went for the trifecta in the waning days of Mir. The Russian was hot.
b
I've seen Alan Bean speak. He gives a great talk. Wish I could be there.
He's the best. Very descriptive and very personable. You know Alan is the only astronaut artist? He's done paintings of his lunar experience.
I peed in my pants with your leading question to Bean. Your client should have had you give a speech on what it would have been like to walk on the moon had you known you could have worn diapers.
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