UNCIVIL UNIONS

Gigantic in the news is the proliferation of separate sleeping quarters for married couples and civil unions. Legally joined people are opting for separate beds, separate bedrooms, and in the most extreme cases, separate wings of the house.

None of this should surprise anyone. Why the hell would men and women--to cite just one form of marriage-- expect to dwell in the same bed, when they originated on Mars and Venus, respectively. Alien status would suggest different beds, if not different planets, or so one would think. Besides, studies have shown that married folk enjoy more intimacy in their separate sleeping quarters.

As just one example, Duracell's stock price is up over 40% since the separate bedroom phenomenon surfaced. Those energized bunnies keep going long after they're separated from their lovers. Pleasuring and Solitaire seem to be The New Doubles.

For some time now, contractors have built McMansions with two master bedrooms--often in different zip codes. It's enough to give you restless leg syndrome. Now, when young children have to throw up in the middle of the night, they are torn over which parent's bed they should do it in. Pity the poor parent who misses out on this bonding experience.

Of course, the reason given for the new bedroom exodus is excessive snoring, thrashing, and flossing. After ten years of interrupted sleep, elbowed backs, and meaty string, couples have reinterpreted their vows, parted the covers, and headed for the promised land.

Who ever said love was easy? And since when is a good night's sleep a reason to banish your life partner? Most continue with conjugal visits, but for many, intimate contact is limited to text messages. Could the offending spouse change? It's like the old joke: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? One--but the bulb has to really want to change.

Though my snoring has been compared to a chainsaw on Quaaludes, my wife and I are able to co-habitate on the same Posturepedic. This is largely because of the two dogs and two parrots that separate me from my wife's retribution. Sleeping with one's pets can remind couples of why they got married in the first place: to save themselves from the chuckle monkey histrionics of pre-marital love.

It's true, the dogs growl when they're disturbed, and the parrots are grumpy in the morning, but over the last 6 years, I can count the number of times they've bitten me on my left hand. Well, actually, I just count the scars. Sure I wish the parrots were house-trained, but I can say from experience, there is no better bed buffer than two grouchy wolves and their bitchy avian sisters.

In short, there is no reason why sleep depravation should ever lead to sleep separation. Separation is known to lead to divorce, and it's not necessary. Far less Draconian measures could be employed. Consider the following interim measures before moving down the hall:

1. Crazy Glue a sock to your lover's tonsils.
2. Ask your sleepless lover to wear elbow pads.
3. Snap the meat from the floss before drying it on the bedpost.
4. Sleep during the day.
5. Up your lover's life insurance to $4 million.

And as always, remember the kids. You are modeling the behavior you expect to see in them. Second thought, buy your lover a separate house. Seriously though, why feed your teenagers' suspicions by sleeping apart from your spouse? Despite what they think, it is possible to be middle-aged and intimate. Or, at the very least, civil.